Dec 15

Expat Guide to the Netherlands #1 — First Impressions

Hello. I’m in the Netherlands now, or as the Dutch seem to call it “… not Germany, seriously, that’s actually racist. Could you please not?”. Though that’s too long for me, so I’ve shortened it to “Germany” — they fill in the rest every time anyway. I’ve been here a week, so I have enough […]

Nov 15

Top 7 Reasons I’m Going to the Netherlands

When I was no years old, I wasn’t born. Then I was born and existed and everything, and things started to happen. One of the things that happened, was that my home country was overrun by lunatics who possibly wanted to murder me in the face and my family in their faces. In an act […]

Apr 14

Top 8 Things I’m Looking Forward to as a Parent

My penis and I created life a few months ago. There may have been a third party involved, but she’s mostly just the incubator and delivery agent. Previous sentences that will get me straight up murdered aside, I am more excited about this than a cat in an analogy that doesn’t go anywhere. I’m also […]

Jan 14

Scientific & Sexist Observations of Pregnancy

Pregnancy, like its sister disorder; rabies (probably), is much like other similes, in that it is like them. I can’t speak about being pregnant first-hand, since I was not born with incorrect genitalia, but I can observe the gestation period in my girlfriend with the ignorance of one who cannot speak about it first-hand. Moods […]

Mar 12

How to Feel Things: My Journey Through this thing Woman Call “Emotions”

My fiancée is always telling me crap; "Don’t eat that", "I said stop eating that", "I swear if I have to tell you to not eat poop again I’m going to vomit", "I want a pre-emptive divorce". It’s enough to make a grown Afraz want to slap her in her giant Dutch mouth. One of […]

Feb 12

Update: Updates!

Some guy I possibly work with (I honestly am not sure) has set a challenge to the world. I’m not really sure who this guy is, but on behalf of the human race, I accept! I realise this may be somewhat of an ambitious ambition for someone who hasn’t updated in over 2 years, but […]

Nov 10

Funderground Questionnaire

Sometimes I don’t have to work, save the world, or be intimate with your mother. On those rare occasions, I get to thinking. Unfortunately I’m not very imaginative, and so what I get to thinking are things like; “I wonder what sorts of things piss people off on public transport?”. I decided that once was […]

Mar 10

Government Secrets Hidden in Walls and Posters

I saw this and found it to be hilarious: It reminds me of those "Wish you were here …" postcards, if those postcards depicted the worst possible "here" ever. Only it’s real, and plastered over the territorial army building next to Putney Bridge tube. A realness bought home to me by Captain Mainwaring during my […]

Mar 10

Mutant Powers for All

Today scientists unleashed another horror unto the world; X-Men style regenerative powers via genetic manipulation. So I’ve decided to conduct my own experiment with probable unwanted effects too; prolonged sleep deprivation + keyboard + internet – reading the full article because it’s boring = this post Let’s see where it takes us. Well done science, […]

Mar 10

Persian Festival OF FIRE AND PAGANISM!

Tomorrow night I’ll be celebrating what I’ve dubbed the Persian pagan FIRE FESTIVAL OF DEATH (and rebirth)! It’s called Chaharshanbe Suri, and literally translates to "Wednesday Party", but really, that’s a lame name for a celebration whose central theme involves jumping over goddamn fire. The Wikipedia page explains that aside from trying not to BBQ […]

Jan 10

5 Reasons Avatar Kicks Your Old Best Experience In the Head and Farts In Its Eyes

Atlantis, if something I’m about to make up is to be believed (hint: it is), was the land of an ancient civilisation of super-beings from space, who governed the Earth fairly by showing preference for humans who could fly. No humans could fly, so it was a time of great suffering for humanity. Before sinking […]

Jan 10

5 Ways You Can Tell Hollywood Has Given Up

5. Remakes of Remakes … of Remakes Treasure Island is like Hollywood’s whore, we get that. It’s okay to “re-imagine” this every so often, and pass it around like a crying Philapino maid, we’re cool with that, apparently. But remaking a remake just five years after the remake, and pretending said remake never happened, that […]

Nov 09

New Management

Since we’re not allowed to carry liquids onto planes, take pictures of our law enforcement, or not be randomly tasered, I’m guessing the terrorists won, you know, on account of all the terror everywhere.