Those aren’t inept female ninjas, they are merely women wearing burkas, the literally must have fashion item in Islam right now (and the past 500 years).
To highlight my ignorance, I’ll start with my own version of the history of burkas, sans-research:
Often times, when I’m looking at my girlfriend, I’m really just looking at her boobs. When she talks, I hear “moobamoobymoob”, as this is the sound I imagine her boobs would make if they could talk, and it translates roughly from Boobylonian to “squeeze us”. Being male means that concentrating on complicated tasks such as breathing become next to impossible when she’s in the room, boobs akimbo. Out of frustration, and a desperate need not to rape and destroy this one too, I have started covering her up.
I therefore posit that the burka came about something like this;
Man: I like your boobs. They jiggle in a way that makes me happs.
Woman: They’re covered in baby vomit right now. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you?
Man: I like your boobs. They jiggle in a way that makes me happs.
Woman: Okay, listen, it’s not happening. I need to wash, clean the kitchen, make dinner, and pop out another baby before sunset.
Man: I like your boobs. They jiggle in a way that makes me happs.
Woman: …
Woman: Really. Not happening. Get over it.
Man: DAMN YOU WOMAN! COVER YOURSELF! Always walking around like that, flaunting your wears! I’ve had enough of your filthy ways! Also, you are not to touch anything when you bleed like an unholy demon, and you are henceforth worth half of a man. So there. … Prick tease.
Creative research lead me to this photo
In the interest of historical accuracy, and blasphemy, let’s do some research into this highest of crimes, the origins of the covering of cleavage. N.B. The distinction of real research and stuff I just made up is left as an exercise for the reader.
In the Qu’ran it is written:
Cover the wench from head to toe, lest she tempt the otherwise righteous man. Cover that sweet ass.
It’s right there next to the line that tells followers of Islam to kill everybody until they are dead. That is to say, it is not. The tradition of covering a ladies delicious bits seems to come from a direction called hijab, instruction on veiling;
And say to the believing women that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts and do not display their ornaments except what appears thereof, and let them wear their head-coverings over their bosoms
– Qu’ran, 30th and 31st verse of Surah an-Nur
Damn it. Now I’m thinking about my girlfriends ornaments again.
Javed Ahmad Ghamidi and other Islamic schollars of the booby-liberation movement however, say there is no mention of the hijab, or covering up yummy bits at all in the Qu’ran. Hurray! Boobs! … oh wait, no there is, ’cause it’s right there in that verse above. I guess his edition of the Qu’ran had a misprint, and read something like;
And say to the believing woman, diet for the summer, for that is when your ornaments are judged by God.
Having said that, the term “head-covering” has been argued to be in reference to the traditional garb worn in those parts at the time, and not an instruction to wear head-coverings. Or dress like the sand-people from Star Wars.
You didn't honestly think I was above something like this, did you?
And having said that I’m sure there’s a Jihad on me now.
You may have noticed some Muslim woman only wearing a headscarf, rather than the full burka. These are called chadors, and are worn by what burka wearers consider to be dirty prostitutes. The main difference between these two being the face left open, and looser morals. Chadors come from Persia (now inexplicably called Iran), whilst the burka is usually worn in Afganistan and Pakistan. And Tatooine (yeah, I went there again, so what?).
The rest of that verse above (the one I didn’t make up and am going to hell for) gives a pretty comprehensive list of exclusions from veiling;
and not display their ornaments except to their husbands or their fathers, or the fathers of their husbands, or their sons, or the sons of their husbands, or their brothers, or their brothers’ sons, or their sisters’ sons, or their women, or those whom their right hands possess, or the male servants not having need (of women), or the children who have not attained knowledge of what is hidden of women
Skipping over the voodoo connotations of right hand directed possession, the interesting bit here is “male servants not having need (of woman)”. This bit has lead some scholars to believe the the passage was meant as a bit of a laugh, since even gay men need woman to clean and cook. On a less war provoking note, it does seem indicate that woman need not cover themselves in their own homes, and indeed, this is how it is interpreted in Islamic households. The chador or burka, is seen as a necessity to protect woman from lecherous men outside the home. No amount of protection is sufficient within the home, so why try?
