Hanlon’s Razor states;
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
The existence of mobile phone shop employees poses a problem then.
The Cretin Family Tree gets a little complicated when we try to see where they fit in. The staggering amount of inbreeding needed to create a single mobile phone shop employee (or MPSE, for the sake of RSI) is enough to keep genealogists busy for the next hundred years, so it’s easier if I just show you the stump from which they come:
No fun for any of the family (ever again).
There’s a universe of wrong going on behind that guys giant idiot head. However, as you can see, estate agents, job agents, the malicious, and the inept are all related by blood, and shared mental trauma, in creating the mobile phone shop employee. So where does this abomination before all your gods fit in Hanlon’s Razor?
It was previously thought that Job and Estate agents were on the lowest rung of the evolutionary ladder (just below Sina Bahrami), but it then emerged that the neutering hadn’t worked, and that the entire family had been breeding. With each other. Repeatedly. Thus we have the MPSE, a mixture of malice, ineptitude, and terrible suits.
With a grant from the documentary department at the BBC (their security guards are surprisingly susceptible to strong elephant tranquillizers), I headed off on a scientific expedition of literally imaginable lengths, to find out why MPSEs are what they are. And if I can legally own one as a pet.
"... I simply press this button for stupid, aaaand; Yes sir, how may I utterly ruin your day?"
Locating a mobile phone shop was easy, I simply followed the stupid, but what now? I knew from lawsuits that the traditional scientific method of poking the subject with sticks until it relinquished juicy science ooze wasn’t going to work where the subject is human. So after one last poke with an especially large stick, I embarked on a different tactic; that of interaction.
The last time I attempted this it had not gone well. At the checkout:
MPSE: Wus your address, innit?
Me: What will this be used for?
MPSE: Wha?
Me: I mean where will it be stored, who will have access to it, how will it be used, that kind of thing. Will I get a lot of spam, will it be sold to marketing companies?
MPSE: Look man, you don’ ‘af to buy da phone, innit?
Me: I’m sorry, I just …
MPSE: *Tut*!
Having learnt the hard way that MPSEs are sensitive creatures, I trod carefully.
You may have noticed that it often takes five or more MPSEs to serve one customer. Any attempt to isolate an MPSE from the sales frenzy they are in at this time will only aggravate him. To the untrained eye, the other four MPSEs are merely standing around, mouth breathing, but this is not so! They are keeping a careful watch for giraffes, the MPSEs natural predator in the wild. This can not be disproved, so in the spirit of religion, it is probably true.
Just waiting for an MPSE to separate from the pack.
After a few hours of patient waiting, I got bored and smacked one on the back of the head with a branch. This aroused suspicion in the others, but I managed to convince them it was a passing giraffe. When my MPSE regained consciousness, I hit him again for making me wait. He said something about getting his “blads on me”, and scurried off.
So I distracted a pregnant woman who was already being served by artificially inducing labour with drugs I always keep with me for moments just like these, and stepped into her place infront of the MPSE. He didn’t seem to notice, and continued talking about his blue teeth. Then, he yawned and went to the toilet, and didn’t come back.
Undeterred, I waited.
Deterred, I stopped waiting.
Although my little experiment ended in what some would call “failure”, I like to look on the bright side, by taking lots of drugs. Sure, some would say “Your flies are undone”, but that has nothing to do with any of this, and besides, some others would say “Man koonet au, miebienam!”, because they speak a different language.
Back at the lab, I assembled all the data, cross-referenced it, and plotted the results in various charts and graphs until it looked like science. You may be aware of how quantum computers will be able to reduce calculation time to essentially zero by harnessing the peculiarities of quantum mechanics, well I employed a similar technique for the same effects. I reduced my computation time to zero by harnessing the power of not having any data.
My old professor’s adage rang in my head; “Please leave. You’re not even a student here! If you show up again I’ll call security. Jesus, I don’t know why I didn’t call security the other 48 times already. No stop that’s my throat! I need that to live!”, and I knew instantly what I had to do. Real science isn’t held back by facts, if there are no facts, or they are audacious enough to point in a boring direction, science fills in the gaps! With pure bullcrap!
Here then, is my science:
Hypothesis-01: That MPSEs make up for their perceived lower social standing by exercising what they see as their only means of power over people they feel are higher in the society. That they do this by being as difficult as possible in said times of perceived power, thereby giving them an artificially inflated sense of self-worth.
And here is a graph I drew:
N.B. Premise A: That graph is true.
As you can see, my hypothesis measures exactly one unit of truth, thereby making it true. The purple you see in the bar itself is pure science, straight from CERN.
So what have we learnt? If anything, then I assure you it was purely accidental, and I apologise.
Err, how did I get involved in this? :P
:P