I love Dan Brown books. I love them for the same reason people love Eastenders; I love them because I’m mostly an idiot. Admittedly I’ve only read two and a half, but this is the Internet, so that makes me a professor of Brownonian studies (with offices next to the enormous scatology department, due to a clerical error).
“What’s this?” said I, all in speech marks one day. “A book by Dan Brown on Compooters? Hmm, I had better be careful here, as fiction about subject matters the reader knows about usually frustrates. But Mr. Brown has always thrilled and delighted me so! (i.e. twice) By gooseberries! I’ll give it a go! Now Little Tim, go fetch the biggest turkey you have ever seen! And use your crutches for firewood to cook it. Hoho, you won’t be needed those anymore! Because you’re going to die”. After I had the Dickens beaten out of me, I started reading.
I wasn't impressed
You can tell you’re reading a quality bit of literature when you notice that by page 25, you are on chapter 5. Here’s a rule of thumb: If your typing is struggling to keep up with the pace at which your great ideas are flowing out, you can replace the word great with something that both means crap, and sounds like crap — hey, why not use “crap”!?
From now on I’m calling the author Mr. Crap.
I won’t go on at length about the inaccuracies of the “hacker” stuff, suffice to say that the bilogical neuro computations soldered to the self-replicating heuristics within the Gibson, should have at least considered the possibility of bypassing the main encryption keys by using Open Source binary — and of course; reversing the polarity.
Here’s another rule of thumb for Mr. Crap: If you’re writing, it means something bad is happening. Stop at once.
I have never in my life considered burning a book, no matter how much I thought the author needed a fist-cocktail. However, this … you know what? Hold on a second. I’ll be right back …
You're next, Dostoevsky
There. You see what you made me do?! You see what happens Mr. Crap? Do you see? You turned me into a Nazi! Now I have to kill Jews, and wear a cap with skull and crossbones which while both seeming and being awesome, does in no way make up for the aforementioned Jew killing as was demonstrated in the Nuremberg trials where the defence went down like the Zeppelin! Congratulations Mr. Crap. Try explaining this one to your interpretation of Jesus.
In immediate retrospect (also known as now), maybe I shouldn’t have burnt the book I’m reviewing before I’ve finished writing the review. Luckily, I have an infinite well of “ficts” to draw on (fict being the term I’ve adopted for facts which my girlfriend says are not true on account of them having no basis in reality).
So, just the ficts;
- On a play of Murphey’s law, Digital Fortress employs My Cousin Who Recently Watched Too Many Internet “Documentaries” Law; “Anything that can be a conspiracy, is a conspiracy.
- 99% of the population don’t take the “Pixies in the computer” joke as a metaphor.
- Facts are Mr. Crap’s kryptonite.
Let me demonstrate all of the above with one extract:
"Fifteen hours and seventeen minutes?" he choked. "Impossible!"
He rebooted the screen, praying it hadn’t refreshed properly. But when the monitor came back to life, it looked the same.
1. Impossible that such numbers could be printed on the screen, it must be a conspracy on the part of the refresh rate as set by the normally hardworking pixies in the monitor who have recently been acting strangely since forming their own union. 2. I’ll show those damned pixies! REBOOT! … THE SCREEN! 3. REBOOT THE SCREEN!.
I’m now actually enjoying another of his books; Deception Point, because I know nothing about politics or humans. The fact that you need a knowledge lobotomy on the subject matter at hand however, isn’t the best endorsement. I have to go now and wash the smell of petrol off.
from your lips! by now you’ve probably read more of Mr.crap’s crappy crap.
so how bout we extract a formula which in a few years will make mr.crap obsolete. ok? ok! first factor: Women: all women who wish to have a primary/secondary role must: 1. have an IQ above 170 and know just about everything about just about everything. 2. must have long legs, be slender and just plain hot. 3.must end up having sex with the male leading role.
Also all of this must be explained bluntly and blatantly like a neanderthal by Mr.Crap hereby known as Crap man.
guys: 1.tall 2.eidetic memory 3.hot 4.oblivious to the fact that they’re hot. 5.excel in at least one sport for which they are given a nickname. a hot one. 6.be a douche
someone must die at the beginning
the good guy is always the bad guy.
the bad guy is always the good guy.
characters must engage in hot sex right after saving the world.
other people shouldn’t be hot.
everything must be a cliche. as seen in movies.
every stupid detail must be explained. (i.e) makes of jet engines in which the character is flying.
everything is told and not shown.
someone’s always lurking about getting orders from the “…er”. “…er” being the nickname for the bad guy in question who we think is the good guy.
this someone must have rippling muscles.
but u know…it’s fun.:)
why hasn’t anyone commented? well. now u have two!
i think you have some issues, all he did is writing great novels that everybody talks about, Digital Fortress is a very smart novel, and i think he earned his respect from the very first novel, so you go and find something better to do, maybe read The Lost Symbol or something