Since we’re not allowed to carry liquids onto planes, take pictures of our law enforcement, or not be randomly tasered, I’m guessing the terrorists won, you know, on account of all the terror everywhere.
So how to live harmoniously with our new insane Arab overlords? Allah be praised What would Buddha do, aside from be killed for being an unbeliever and come back as Super-Buddha? Meditate the crap out of the situation, that’s what!
After he came back, he was pissed. He's laughing because he is going to enlighten you. With death.
It’s a well known pseudo-science fact amongst those at dinner parties, that watching television uses up less brain power than sleeping. Sounds like meditation to me, so I meditated on the problem until my girlfriend broke up with me. That is how committed I am to you, dear attractive female reader in her late 20′s with nice boobs.
Here are the fruits of that meditation, in the form of a brief guide:
Alalalalalalala
That’s the sound you hear Arabs make just before they jump out from their well hidden positions. N.B. I am equating Arabs with terrorists here because being racist is funnier than not being racist.
You may think that giving away the advantage of surprise after hours of waiting and hiding is a silly thing to do, but that’s the kind of thinking that will see you writing out the Koran with your own tears 50 times a day in the new “Happy Conversion to Islam Because Free Will Is for Pussies” camp. Praise be to beardies. Get with it man! I’m trying to help you!
Usage of the battle cry will likely be adapted slightly in our new United States of Arabia to accommodate our western culture. For example, you may find that after offering your boss the explanation of why the T.P.S. report you filled out had an extra sheet attached for section C6 using a non-regulation staple, you are countered with the argument; “ALALALALALALALA!”.
At this point it is important to remain calm and focussed. He will probably not slice you with the standard issue boss-sabre clipped to his belt. Then again he might.
Five Prayers a Day, Keeps the Mortician Away
Competitive praying.
For those unfamiliar with praying, it’s like not praying, but the opposite. There’s an old Arabic bedtime story that Arabic adults tell their Arabic children at Arabic bedtime that goes;
Pray or I will kill you
Praying is an important part of killing for Allah, since without it, the whole thing would be kind of silly. Our new days will be broken up by five prayer breaks.
Pro Tip: Organise your time at work so every deliverable falls inside a prayer break. If prompted for work after the prayer break, tell your boss you’re still thinking about God, and he should come back to you with his earthly problems later (which you will again make sure falls conveniently in another prayer break).
But I’m An Athiest
No. You’re not. Trust me on this one.
Terrorslam takes a tolerant approach to other faiths; you can either be a Muslim, die, or pay non-Muslim tax. Sound sweet? Good. It sounds sweet to me too glory be to non-muslim tax, it is great!.
Obviously lip-service is the best option here, since it’s easier on the pockets, and has 100% less death involved.
Porn
See those hands? That's your lot.
Crying yourself to sleep was all well and normal when you were in secondary school, but now you do it because you saw that video on the Internet. Since you can’t unsee it, no matter how many times Superman flies around the Earth backwards, you’re stuck with being desensitised to less brutal things, like say chainsaw rape. It’s difficult to go back to the naughty excitement Kays catalogues bra section gave you, once you’ve seen a girl literally eat sex.
Porn is bad, praise be to Valhalla.
However, through a series of Buddhist techniques, you can eventually reawaken a natural skill within your mind called “imagination”. Imagination is like free porn.
Pork
Yeah, but no.
Haha, actually made me laugh. Top effort.