In your late 20′s / early 30′s? Don’t know what to do with your life, but know that it’s not whatever you’re doing right now? Why not go back into education?! Please excuse the addition of an exclamation mark directly following the question mark, but punctuation be damned, this is your life man, and if I could slant these italics any further I would!
We know that the reason you’ve failed at everything up until now isn’t down to a lack of commitment and absence of responsibility, since that’s what your parent’s say. No, it’s because you haven’t been free to do what you really want to do — but since that hasn’t been legal in this country for over 200 years, and asia is far away, you’ll have to settle for paying some guys to tell you which books to read.
Books. They're like films, if you flick the pages fast enough. Terrible art-house films.
That bitter hollow feeling you have in your chest when you get home from work? Look at it real close now. See how it’s kind of rectangular? That’s right, it’s book shaped! You can fill it with Foucault! Those suckers buying Ikea furniture and the latest Playstation to fill the hole they feel have got it all wrong. Unless they’re playing Foucalt’s Little Big Adventure on their Playstation which sits on their Communist Manifesto Ikea coffee table. I guess they’re kind of right if that’s what they’re doing.
So, which subject to take? Well, we’re after the objective truth which will give our lives meaning, but some guy or girl you fancied once said that everyone’s meaning is different, and no one with a rack / dong that big can be wrong. But which objective over-arching truth is yours?
Sciences
Girls: Meet quantum mechanics. They can fix your car, quantumly!
Boys: Learn large words to confuse that girl with long enough to touch one or both of her boobs. [N.B. Both booby-touchery techniques require additional after-school credits]
Arts
Girls: Express yourself the way you never could in your stuffy office job; nonsensically. No one here will ask you to explain why you covered that canvas with tears and make-up, because that’s square and narrow-minded, and everyone here is either broad-minded, or after some sex.
Boys: Okay I won’t lie, you’re going to struggle here, but the higher risks also have higher rewards. Scientists have recently discovered booby size to be directly related to creativity. Where creativity means ability to fling poop at the wall. Here’s a rule of thumb: If you don’t understand it, do more of the same.
Literature
Girls: Everyone has assembled here to hear your every thought.
Boys: Do not write about; lasers, computers, boobs, or computers that shoot laser boobs. Important!
This guy thought so hard that his body disappeared!
Philosophy
All: Now with 20% more Foucault!
Girls: Why experience life, when you can think about it instead?
Boys: Finally, somewhere you can force your opinions on others, because “opinions can’t be wrong”. Just remember to find some famous guy who also thinks what you think and prepend all your claims with “<PHILOSOPHER’S NAME> suggested that …”
The next step is to quit your job. If you’re not sure how to go about this, imagine pouring petrol over a reliable sturdy bridge, and burning that mutha to the ground. You don’t need it anymore, because you see that uncertain jungle up ahead? The red demonic eyes peering out at you from inside aren’t from velociraptors, they’re from Carebears who want will take care of you forever! There are no dangers ahead, you’re free now.
Tags: advice, art, literature, school, science
booby-touchery would make a fantastic dissertation.