Atlantis, if something I’m about to make up is to be believed (hint: it is), was the land of an ancient civilisation of super-beings from space, who governed the Earth fairly by showing preference for humans who could fly. No humans could fly, so it was a time of great suffering for humanity.
Before sinking into the sea forever, Atlantians grudgingly passed on just one piece of advanced information to the crappy non-flying humans. One thing that despite their hatred of our wingless ape forefathers, they could not bear to be lost with them. That thing was Avatar!
Avatar was such a quantum leap in awesomeness, that not even the Atlantians I just plucked out of the imaginarium that is my arse, could build it. It would take another 10,000 years for the necessary technology to exist. And then another 50 years for the film industry to start sinking hard enough to resort to using the now outdated technology in a desperate attempt to convince people that going to the cinema is not a terrible waste of their already too short lives.
Here is why the results are better than Christ being your best friend:
5. It’s in THREEDEE!
Avatar is so good that 2 dimensions just weren’t enough. It was originaly filmed in normal 2D, but then ripped a hole through the film using the power of sheer incredibles, which is a by product of unobtanium refinement.
I'm so 3D right now ... IN MY PANTS! *ZING!*
The revolutionary 3D experience that Avatar gives you is only dated by 73 years, making it almost new, if your scale takes the Paleolithic era into account. With a runtime of 2 hours and 42 minutes, you’ll hardly even get terrible headaches from this tried and tested (and rejected) technology!
4. AMAZINGS CGIS! LOADS OF THEM!!!!11!one!!1
Like CGIs? Avatar has so many of them that your eyes will be crying blue cat people for weeks after seeing the film. There are CGIs everywhere. The cat people are CGIs, the toilets are CGIs, even the CGIs are actually CGIs. This self-recursive loop lead to the destruction of 2 million computers before Jesus Cameron could answer the question "How much CGI is there in the film?" with the answer "2 million dead computers of CGI, that’s how much, bitch!"
Not enough CGIs
3. The 37th Plot
Some would argue that there are only 36 plots types that a story could use. Then James "Messiah" Christ took it up a notch by inventing a transdimensional gateway in his mind from which he retrieved a plot type from another goddamn dimension! That’s dedication folks. It’s also not true.
If Avatar was a film — and some say it is despite the evidence pointing to it actually being a deity — it would be up there with 2001: A Space Odyssey with regards to how revolutionary (we are told) it is. It has revolutionised everything in the film industry from J.C.’s wallet, to the level of gullability and credit film executives are now willing to give the audience.
Instead of burdening the audience with unnecessary suspense or excitement, which Dutch studies have shown can lead to "good-timesh ja?", James "my dad’s name IS GOD!" Cameron has chosen to revolutionise storytelling by allowing the audience to know exactly what’s going to happen next from the moment they put on their brain-haemorrhage inducing 3D glasses.
2. It’s Cheaper Than Spending £30 at the Cinema
Thinking of eating this month? Don’t! Because for the money you would waste on nutrition, you could IMAX 3D your mind away! If you insist on eating, why not take a second job at night to pay for a ticket? If there’s one thing that the many plot holes in Avatar have taught me, it’s that people don’t need to sleep.
1. It’s More Beautiful Than Your Ugly Baby
If I were to give you some poop, you still wouldn’t be able to make anything as beautiful as the world of Pandora. You may be able to come up with more than just five species of animal on a supposedly wild and unspoilt ecosystem, but that’s probably just down to having more imagination than a dead person, which is obviously not fair (how the hell is James "zombie Jesus" Cameron supposed to compete with people who still have a functioning brain?).
"... and this is where the money comes out, isn't it beautiful?"
It’s so pretty, that thousands of dole claimers who’ve seen it are actually depressed now because their state funded flat in south London isn’t like an ill-thought out unrealistic fantasy world.
So go and see Avatar, it’s not as bad as murdering a baby.
Tags: entertainment, film, hollywood, review
