Jan 10

5 Ways You Can Tell Hollywood Has Given Up

5. Remakes of Remakes … of Remakes

Treasure Island is like Hollywood’s whore, we get that. It’s okay to “re-imagine” this every so often, and pass it around like a crying Philapino maid, we’re cool with that, apparently. But remaking a remake just five years after the remake, and pretending said remake never happened, that just looks like a gonad headbutt to everyone involved in the original (and by original I of course mean remake).

I am the best at steroids!

If one were to plot the number of original stories that have come out of Hollywood over the last 20 years on a graph, they would have a graph, and be a nerd. Also, they might wonder how to award negative points for curiosities such as I Am Legend, and end up surmising that Hollywood ran out of original ideas in 1532.

4. Letting the Interwebthingy Write Their Scripts

I actually enjoyed Snakes on a “Mother Loving” Plane, but giving creative control over to a bunch of anonymous sweaty cheese drinkers (us) is not a strategy, it’s just laziness. “… yeah, and there should be a bit when a snake totally bites a guys dick … titties should be involved somehow …” from a forum should not have made it into the script writer’s meeting.

What are you wearing, baby? *chiga chigabowowww*

The only thing we’re used to directing is a World of Warcraft raid from our granma’s basement. And I don’t even know what that is! You know what happens when you pick one of us up, wash all that cheese off, and give us money to make anything he wants? Kevin Smith is what happens. Keving Goddamn Smith.

3. Transformers 2

Transformers 2.

2. Sequels to Old/Dead Franchises

Nostalgia sells well, but nostalgia coupled with newness sells like hashish to a heroine addict — it’s not what they’re after, but "goddamn it alright just give me what you got already! I got fi’ kids to feed man! FI’ KIDS!". When you’re in a position that powerful, you can pretty much churn out any old crack you want, and cut it with copious amounts of plaster and pain.

Indiana Bones -- Haha, you see what I did there?

Fine, so those franchises are alive (unlike their casts *BADA-BOOM!*), and they have more to offer. Basic Instinct 2, Tron 2, and Terminator 4, however, clearly think you are a moron.

1. Re-imaginings of Conveniently Out of Copyright Works

There’s no such thing as a free lunch, unless you’re dining on the corpse of a long deceased artist.

Only those in league with Beelzebubbajo can hear the screams of the dead, but let’s face it, the only effect Sir Arther Conan Doyle’s cries of agony are going to have on a film executive is to give him a boner.

"We're falling faster than my career!"

Perhaps Oscar Wilde had aspirations higher than drivel in mind when he wrote A Portrait of Dorian Gray, but where did that get him? Dead, that’s where. Whilst the master-minds behind this gem are tragically alive.

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